Caffeine & Dogs.

            Fritz and I had a major upset today. Actually, it was all in the course of a day, for Fritz. He DID stop the second and fourth times I hollered "STOP!" at him and it was really the other dog (s-owner), who was at fault. It was one of those responses where I must surely have sounded enraged and deranged. I also realized after doing it, that I could have hurt Fritz, which is the more important realization (is there such a thing as shaken dog syndrome? If not, there probably should be).

            Basically, I screamed and swore and yanked and turned him, away from the other dog, because even though Fritz stopped the first time I yelled, the other owner did not have as much control, and their dog, did not. And it was a big dog, too. So, of course, once that dog ran towards Fritz, he reciprocated. Further commands to stop were unheeded and he did not stop and lay down, until he felt my hand on his back. He did stop then, but of course, by then, I was so angry that I, couldn't. Sheesh.  So he got a spank and a twist and a yell, and then we continued on home, my train of thought completely derailed.

            And things were going pretty well for us, too, up to that moment. He was doing his happy, wet, DOG, thing, and I was thinking about what I'd been reading lately, concerning the  process of leaning into an addiction. 

           I was pondering that it might be important to sit down and really meditate on my food addiction and figure out why I keep inviting it into my life, when I am quite sure that the negative results are much more powerful and disturbing, then the positive things it does for me. I had the same thoughts about my caffeine addiction, especially after the DOG incident.

            The first thing that came to mind is that I am depressed. When I think of the times in my life, when I was heavier then I should have been, it was usually because I was 'eating 'my frustrations i.e., trying to combat the discomforts in my life, by making withdrawal's from my "ingestment" account, and thereby, numbing the emotional discomfort and increasing dopamine; it's all about the dopamine, don't you know? (What I've always said, lol.)

            This, of course, led me to think about my own tendencies towards bi-polar-dom. I guess I've always known (at least since I was a thinking, feeling, adult) that because of watching my only role model (my schizophrenic mother), for my entire childhood, my brain learned how to respond to stress only one of two ways; either feed the sadness (i.e., sense of helplessness), and eat (and/or drink), everything in sight, or feed the sense of being in'power'ed' (to over-compensate for the feelings of helplessness and sadness), by ingesting caffeine and/or amphetamines.

I can't seem to ever remember myself any other way.

            And then, of course, I reflected on how when I DID feed the sense of empowerment (through taking up exercise, good nutrition, and all the self-help programs I attended); what I manifested in my life was a rebound relationship with a "Dexter wanna-be and practically was", psychotic jerk. 

            I still have trouble figuring out exactly which part of me attracted this kind of cruel meddling from the gods???

            At any rate, I still struggle with realizing that I was so caught up in my 'id' self, that I was completely ignoring all of the negative warning signs.

            But, hey, I was at my very fittest (at 130 pounds), running 3-miles, at least 3 times a week, was getting a divorce, had two very nice children and had several good jobs, so what could go wrong with my decision making?
           'Isn't it funny that when we are at our apex, we also have to be almost hyper-vigilant about protecting it, or the Gods end up playing with us, and sending us challenges that we could mostly do without?  

            I realized, years later, of course, that despite all of the gains I had made, I was still a very fractured soul, at that point in time, and so, very easy to take advantage of. 

            I was working from my ego, instead of working from a place of integration and wholeness.

            When we aren't fully integrated as humans, it seems to me that that is when the god(s) of tragedy, like to play with us, the most. After it ended I realized that my ego had chosen to lie down with my arch-enemy (in Greek mythical arch-type speak) and that I had lost everything, because of it.

            It still seems to me to be a very cruel outcome of a very human mistake, but one which I am not in a hurry to revisit. 

            I am certain that is one of the main reasons I seem unable to stop stuffing sweets into my body, and get back to a better level of fitness.

            The other reasons are many, but I think, when I dig deep into the coffers of my psyche, that particular fear is the biggest one. 

            What if I get fit and energetic and even worse, proud of myself, again? Will the gods throw the same challenges at me, or will they be different (and much, much harder?)

This scenario, I am not feeling in a hurry to embrace, not at all. And who could really blame me? 

            Unfortunately, staying where I am does not seem to be an option, either, even if only for the most practical of reasons. I can't really afford to keep buying clothes as my weight goes up and ever up.  Well, so, all I can do at this juncture, is try harder to embrace the practice of meditating on the impediments to my not fasting and therefore, losing the weight and feeling better.

            Before I can do that, however, I need to take it one baby step at a time, and overcome my caffeine addiction.

            There's really no logical reason to keep ingesting the stuff, other then that it is feeding the addiction (to offset the feelings of sadness and frustration I have, with my current life situation), i.e., all the chronic pain I have to deal with.

            These are reasons I justify it, and in the interest of trying to remove as much self-judgment as possible, and to stay as objective as possible, I am rating them T {True} or F {False}. I've decided that if the F's outnumber the T's (which I think will happen, even without self-judgment) then I'd better focus on getting out from under the addiction. When I get this accomplished successfully, well, then, and only then, I think, will I be ready to tackle the 'eating' addiction.

 On CAFFEINE, then.

Statement #1.

I need caffeine because it does help me to overcome my own tendency towards inertia. I would likely never exercise, especially in the extreme heat of summer, and the cold of winter, without it.

What is true about this statement?

T) The fact that I have Hep-C is a deterrent to exercising very much because I always feel so fatigued. It feels true that I often choose not to exercise, (using the weather as an excuse) without some sort of jolt.

What is false about this statement?

F) I don't believe that I would not move at all, without caffeine. I just wouldn't move quite so much, or so often.

F) The fact is that even with daily caffeine, I often go for days without exercising and it builds up in my system, to toxic levels.

F) Once intake reaches a toxic level, I become tense, irritable, edgy and quick to over-react.

F) It makes my neck, back and stomach, tight and pained, as well.

F) It also increases my vulvar pain and irritation.

F) Toxic levels of caffeine make me disassociated (I begin to obsess constantly.)

Looks like the 'False's' win on this one.

Statement #2.  

I need caffeine because I am a very slow starter, (it takes me 20 minutes or so, to get into ANY activity), so if I didn't have the caffeine making me WANT to move, I likely would choose to eat and then NOT be able to exercise.

What is true about this statement?

T) It's not food, so doesn't weigh me down. Eating breakfast is yet another deterrent to wanting to move. In this way, it's helpful to have something alternately light and stimulating, in my stomach.

T) The Amitryptaline makes me sluggish and confused, so it seems that the caffeine is counter-active to being permanently somnambulant, as well.

What is false about this statement?

F) Because it does build up to toxic levels, when I finally do exercise, I usually do far too much and then am trashed for another day, or so.

F) I also don't usually have the interest in stretching, because I over did it. This also leads to stiffness and soreness, which is another deterrent to exercising consistently.

F) I do, on some level, have the faith that I WILL exercise, without a daily caffeine jolt, because the dog needs walking. The truth is that my nervous system is such, that I need the physical jolt, only a couple of times a week. Even though it does counteract the Amitryptaline, I fasted for 30 days the first time, and in all that time, I only needed the caffeine jolt, a handful of times. I exercised anyhow, just by pushing myself to start, by tapping into my very excessive nervous energy.

F) Daily Caffeine consumption makes my injury worse, therefore, making me less prone to exercise, and NOT more.

Looks like the 'falses's' win here, too.

Statement #3.

It's about the only benign treat I have left in my life.

What's true about this statement?:

T): I like the excuse it gives me to sit and acclimate myself to a new day, sometimes for a couple of hours.

T): It does feel like an old friend.

What's false about this statement?:

F): The feeling of vigor that it gives me, is very short-lasting. The truth is that the side-effect of having to "walk" off the "buzz" (body flushing toxins), is not exactly healthy or balanced. Especially when it comes to my relationship with DOG.

F): I eat sugary treats, so clearly, it isn't the ONLY treat left in my "ingestment" account.

F): It DOES feel like an old friend, but one that is bad for me and has outlived its usefulness in my life, especially when I ingest it, unthinkingly.

F) It actually makes me more disassociated (falsely empowered, on an emotional level), rather then less; because of this, it acts as a distraction from making more healthy and balanced choices, which begs the question that if I need to feel more empowered from disassociating with my life, why not take up the habit of life-breathing and meditation, instead? Oops, that might be a judgment.

And the 'false's' win here, as well. I kinda' figured, but it was a good exercise, anyway, since it gives me something to look at when I feel like straying. And...........I guess I know now, that I should probably listen to my stomach, more often. Oops, that's a judgement, too. Darn. :(

Well, so, that's what I've got, for now. 

Now, how do I approach the habit change, a little more consciously?

The Plan (Phase 1: Caffeine Removal).

1) Well, I DO have that sheet of weekly homework items. Perhaps I need to print it out, and have it handy, referring to it, every morning, upon arising.

2) I can do a better job of having nut milk on hand. (To make cacao, with).

3) I need to drink much, much, more, water, herb tea, etc.

4) I need to do a better job with the supplements. They do help to offset the caffeine intake.

5) Also, the daily self-care (The stretching, The breathing, The meditating, The body work (back-thumper), etc.)

This WAS my agreement with myself, originally, when I let myself start imbibing the stuff, again:

On the days I drink caffeine, I need to:

1) Practice Breathing with A.Weil,

2) Work on my neck with thumper,

3) Take bevy of vitamins, and

4) Meditate.

5) Stretch after exercising.

            I don't believe I've done more then a handful of these things, this entire week. I didn't do them any more then this, the week of Rich's vacation, either. That week, all I had was cacao in nut milk, for my morning 'charge-up'.

            Clearly, then, it's not just caffeine being a problem, but some sort of clinging to old habits as a way of coping with the out-of-control feelings I have, from being in chronic pain.

            I have no idea why I can't just wave my hands and take up different, more rewarding, habits, like meditating and working on my neck, daily. 

           Clearly, something is being triggered, in my psyche, big-time, because it's true that I feel out-of-control and 'stuck' in my current physical state of dis-ease. Normally, in the past, though, I would just go for it and make the changes I needed to make, praying for the best.

            What on earth is stopping me? I guess time will tell. Let's hope the EMDR, when we get back to it, will do some re-adjusting in that dept.

            

             On a much better note, I felt so bad about what happened with Fritz, that I brought him home, showered both him and myself, (again), and then forced myself back up the hill. I figured that not only I could use a break, from my caffeine-enhanced toxic energy, but that maybe he could, too. I was glad to do the penance, and that's sure what it felt like, (with temps in the high 90's), even with wet clothes.

            When I returned, I set the stool up in the shower, with a dog-towel handy, and we both just went in, and there we stayed, for at least 20 minutes. It took him a couple of minutes to relax, (on account of he hates the water), but after we adjusted ourselves a couple of times, and he could get his face out of the stream, he visibly relaxed, and stopped breathing so fast.

            I may be fooling myself, but I also like to believe we both reached some sort of atonement and forgiveness for the miss-steps that are inherent in relationship, of any kind.

            Some shower, huh? :) 

           May we all be so lucky that such a simple thing could do so much for our ragged psyche's.

Once again, this is MonaRaeHill, signing out from the House of Found Goods. Stay cool if you can!