I decided today to try and ignore the hype surrounding Irene and just post what it feels like to me, personally.
I haven't slept well this week, but for once, it's because of the weather, and for once, also, it's a very good thing.
I woke up from a sound sleep where I was having a very liberating and transformational dream, to hear the rain coming down.
For me, it's a type of very soothing rain, and if I do try and actively ignore the hype, it's also a very clearing rain. There is something in the air, that makes it just smell, well, heavenly, and along with that, it's clear that it's incredibly cleansing, as well. I can't explain what I mean by this, but I suspect that when people try and "bottle" rain into some type of perfume, this is the smell they are aiming for. :)
For some reason, this kind of rain also makes me stop and take a step back, (which is another very good thing) and reflect on the ways in which I have lived my life, thus far.
In that way, I guess you could say it's also a provocative kind of rain.
We have not had a storm like this for some time, in the East, and we are expected to get severe wind as well as high amounts of water and maybe even some power outages. It's funny, because as a friend of mine and I were talking about it on FB, it made me realize that I have spent my entire adult life, trying to be less reactionary, and now; just when I wasn't looking, over-reacting to everything has suddenly become quite fashionable.
I have no idea what that portends, especially, except that I guess if you live for half a century, you pretty much see everything.
I know what I've seen for the last decade, over and over, is that: "The more things change, the more they stay the same."
Our society seems to be, now more then ever, in almost constant crisis mode, and if we don't have an internal (i.e., personal) crisis, to aim our psychic energy at, then we're driven to focus on an external one. It's as if we are stuck, as a society, in permanent adolescence mode..........drama, drama, drama.
As far as I can tell, mobile phones and the internet, have just made this ever so much worse and actually easier to do, thereby enabling us to stay "stuck" as kids.
What ever happened to: "Yup, we're gonna' get the side shoots of that hurricane, so, um, probably ought to fill up some bottles of water, dig out some board games and find some candles."?
In another ten years, will anyone even remember what a board game is, do you think?
The other thing that I was reflecting on was the fact that with the advent of the first grandson, it's made me stop and ponder what kind of legacy that child is likely to have. I often feel very sad for not having been the supporting and encouraging and loving kind of parent I wish I could have been, to his mother. And so, I pray that my ineptness as a parent won't carry on, (naturally), but the deeper issue is, of course, what kind of world that child can expect to inherit, from us, the supposed stewards of the earth.
I was very pleased when I got a picture from my grandchild's dad, with me and the little bloke, and I had on my "Plant Trees" t-shirt. We also had an earthquake on the day he was brought into the world, and now, on his fifth day on earth, we are getting the fallout from Hurricane Irene. I do try hard not to project, but if there's an omen there, then I pray that the legacy I leave is one of earth-stewardship, and not a legacy of bad parenting. Which, actually, I think, is pretty likely, as both his parents are smart, funny, capable, and loving. Phew. Not sure how that happened, but I am very grateful. Kids are so incredibly resilient..........thank the Goddess.
This whole grandparent thing has got me thinking of my relationship with my own mother (of course), and how very awful it was. Too much negativity to go into here, of course, but the one thing I know to be true, is that I had no respect, and little actual child/love for my mother. Rather, our relationship was based on the fact that she was 3 years old, emotionally, psychically, and in every other pertinent way; so our bond was one of caretaker, (me) and recipient, (her). Not very healthy, but as it turns out, not very unusual, either.
It took me a very long time to forgive her for what I viewed was, on her part, some type of terrible malfeasance as a parent. I spent a big part of my young adulthood, trying to understand it, and then the rest of my adulthood, trying to rectify the ways in which it affected my developing personality. It's only been the past year (and all my struggles with PTSD stemming from a surgery I had last fall), that I felt like I was actually starting to grow up and away from all that early tumult.
Goodness, here I am, half a century old, and just now beginning to grow out of my own adolescence.
How very strange, but delightful, too, to feel major movement towards something, rather then, tearing away from something.
Part of that has been due to Rich, being supportive and caring, and for the most part, non-judgmental, about my personal struggles in letting go of relationships which don't allow me to grow in a healthy manner.
The other, bigger part, though, has been that he gave me a safe place (unconditionally), to reestablish my unique and indescribably individual, relationship, to Gaia. Or Mother Earth. Or the Goddess. Or the He/She. Whatever name you choose will surely work, I doubt she or he, minds. :)
Even though I never actually had a real mother, (at least not in the biological sense, i.e., one that comforted me in times of high stress, was there for me with a helping hand, etc. etc.), it has dawned on me in the past decade, that I did always have Gaia.
In some ways, it seems she was just waiting there for me to acknowledge her, and realize that a comforting bosom does not have to always be in the physical form, but can also be one of spiritual succor and therefore, perhaps, maybe even better, in some ways.
Of course, there are still times when I get angry, at the injustice of not ever having had, a "real" mother. One that would hold my hand when I was frightened, and reassure me that all would be well. One that would treasure me, beyond all things, and make me their only priority. One that would see me, truly, and be there for me in a way that would bring out all of the best aspects of my personality.
Yea. I pretty much think this is what we all want, deep down. But truly, now, with a half-century under my belt, I wonder how many of us actually get this? I would say that it is most likely the exception, rather then the rule. Doesn't make it easier to accept, but certainly makes it easier to understand, and forgive.
Because when I really step back and reflect, I realize that Gaia has done all this for me, and perhaps more.
Because with my strongly individual personality, I wonder that even if I had had a parent like this, if I wouldn't just have felt sort of stifled and smothered?
And, truly, when all is said and done, my mother, who had very little good parenting (and perhaps, much abuse) of her own, did try her best. I can't even imagine what it must have been like, to have so few skills as a socialized and functional human being, trying to raise six children in a manner where they all felt loved unconditionally. Impossible. And so, unrealistic to even have hoped for. Of course, as a child, you don't know this, you just want a mother, and as a child, you actually have a right to expect one.
But as an adult, now, with a fully established relationship with my true mother, it has dawned on me that it is time (perhaps past time) to put away childish things and get on with getting on. Hence the forgiveness part. So, it didn't happen for me in the way I expected. Big deal. Time to move on.
And the truth is: Gaia has done this for me, in oh so very many ways. She's taught me so very much about myself. About my wishes, hopes, dreams, expectations, and desires. She's taught me to be more positive. less negative; more forgiving, less judgmental; more adventurous, less frightened; more generous, less grasping; more hopeful, less sad.
And last, but not least, Gaia has always just, well, been there. Like a true parent.
Whenever I have been frightened, angry, scared, or lost and alone, I only ever had to stick my hands in the dirt, and get digging, and in just a short amount of time, feeling better. Or putting my walking boots on, and just putting one foot in front of the other, crying and stumbling my way up the mountainside.
Funny, I always felt embarrassed to be seen in public, crying, but never cared if anyone in the woods saw me doing so.
The mountain always just took my tears and transformed them, because the view from up top, is always so very different from that down below.
How could anyone ever reach the top of a mountain and not be completely awed by the view, and hence, able to stop crying long enough to take it all in and realize that everything that we think (as the most fallible of humans) is really, finally, and most simply, a matter of perspective?
Gaia has shown me this, time and time again, and oh, really, so much more.
More often then not, she has been the parent I wanted. The parent I needed. The parent I longed for, in my times of deepest distress, and did not even know what it was that I so achingly longed for.
Perhaps, just perhaps, I have allowed myself to realize that on some level, it may have been very good for me to have been born into that hellish chaos.
It did force me to look elsewhere for nourishment.
And even though I had to look pretty hard, and stumble around for many moons, I do, for the most part, feel I have landed on my feet.
Or rather, in the very bounteous and enriching, lap, of the most beautiful, loving, kind, patient, generous and understanding parent, in the universe. Mother Earth. It's taken some serious, long, hard work. That's true. But, if there's one legacy I could leave for my grandchild, I think it would be this one.
And so, with that in mind, I offer up this prayer..............That he have a longstanding and most loving relationship, with all things wild and free. That Gaia watches over him, even when he is not aware of it. That he always feels treasured, and beloved. That he always feels at home, in the dirt. That he always feels a deep kinship with the plant spirits. With the tree people. With the air and fire and rain folk. That he always knows, on some level, that he is not alone. That he knows what peace feels like. That when he falls, he always falls into the lap of his most loving mother, Gaia. Amen.
Good morning and blessings to all, as this incredibly cleansing rain washes away much of the bizarre energy that often surrounds us.
Signing out from RaraAvis at the House of Found Goods.
I haven't slept well this week, but for once, it's because of the weather, and for once, also, it's a very good thing.
I woke up from a sound sleep where I was having a very liberating and transformational dream, to hear the rain coming down.
For me, it's a type of very soothing rain, and if I do try and actively ignore the hype, it's also a very clearing rain. There is something in the air, that makes it just smell, well, heavenly, and along with that, it's clear that it's incredibly cleansing, as well. I can't explain what I mean by this, but I suspect that when people try and "bottle" rain into some type of perfume, this is the smell they are aiming for. :)
For some reason, this kind of rain also makes me stop and take a step back, (which is another very good thing) and reflect on the ways in which I have lived my life, thus far.
In that way, I guess you could say it's also a provocative kind of rain.
We have not had a storm like this for some time, in the East, and we are expected to get severe wind as well as high amounts of water and maybe even some power outages. It's funny, because as a friend of mine and I were talking about it on FB, it made me realize that I have spent my entire adult life, trying to be less reactionary, and now; just when I wasn't looking, over-reacting to everything has suddenly become quite fashionable.
I have no idea what that portends, especially, except that I guess if you live for half a century, you pretty much see everything.
I know what I've seen for the last decade, over and over, is that: "The more things change, the more they stay the same."
Our society seems to be, now more then ever, in almost constant crisis mode, and if we don't have an internal (i.e., personal) crisis, to aim our psychic energy at, then we're driven to focus on an external one. It's as if we are stuck, as a society, in permanent adolescence mode..........drama, drama, drama.
As far as I can tell, mobile phones and the internet, have just made this ever so much worse and actually easier to do, thereby enabling us to stay "stuck" as kids.
What ever happened to: "Yup, we're gonna' get the side shoots of that hurricane, so, um, probably ought to fill up some bottles of water, dig out some board games and find some candles."?
In another ten years, will anyone even remember what a board game is, do you think?
The other thing that I was reflecting on was the fact that with the advent of the first grandson, it's made me stop and ponder what kind of legacy that child is likely to have. I often feel very sad for not having been the supporting and encouraging and loving kind of parent I wish I could have been, to his mother. And so, I pray that my ineptness as a parent won't carry on, (naturally), but the deeper issue is, of course, what kind of world that child can expect to inherit, from us, the supposed stewards of the earth.
I was very pleased when I got a picture from my grandchild's dad, with me and the little bloke, and I had on my "Plant Trees" t-shirt. We also had an earthquake on the day he was brought into the world, and now, on his fifth day on earth, we are getting the fallout from Hurricane Irene. I do try hard not to project, but if there's an omen there, then I pray that the legacy I leave is one of earth-stewardship, and not a legacy of bad parenting. Which, actually, I think, is pretty likely, as both his parents are smart, funny, capable, and loving. Phew. Not sure how that happened, but I am very grateful. Kids are so incredibly resilient..........thank the Goddess.
This whole grandparent thing has got me thinking of my relationship with my own mother (of course), and how very awful it was. Too much negativity to go into here, of course, but the one thing I know to be true, is that I had no respect, and little actual child/love for my mother. Rather, our relationship was based on the fact that she was 3 years old, emotionally, psychically, and in every other pertinent way; so our bond was one of caretaker, (me) and recipient, (her). Not very healthy, but as it turns out, not very unusual, either.
It took me a very long time to forgive her for what I viewed was, on her part, some type of terrible malfeasance as a parent. I spent a big part of my young adulthood, trying to understand it, and then the rest of my adulthood, trying to rectify the ways in which it affected my developing personality. It's only been the past year (and all my struggles with PTSD stemming from a surgery I had last fall), that I felt like I was actually starting to grow up and away from all that early tumult.
Goodness, here I am, half a century old, and just now beginning to grow out of my own adolescence.
How very strange, but delightful, too, to feel major movement towards something, rather then, tearing away from something.
Part of that has been due to Rich, being supportive and caring, and for the most part, non-judgmental, about my personal struggles in letting go of relationships which don't allow me to grow in a healthy manner.
The other, bigger part, though, has been that he gave me a safe place (unconditionally), to reestablish my unique and indescribably individual, relationship, to Gaia. Or Mother Earth. Or the Goddess. Or the He/She. Whatever name you choose will surely work, I doubt she or he, minds. :)
Even though I never actually had a real mother, (at least not in the biological sense, i.e., one that comforted me in times of high stress, was there for me with a helping hand, etc. etc.), it has dawned on me in the past decade, that I did always have Gaia.
In some ways, it seems she was just waiting there for me to acknowledge her, and realize that a comforting bosom does not have to always be in the physical form, but can also be one of spiritual succor and therefore, perhaps, maybe even better, in some ways.
Of course, there are still times when I get angry, at the injustice of not ever having had, a "real" mother. One that would hold my hand when I was frightened, and reassure me that all would be well. One that would treasure me, beyond all things, and make me their only priority. One that would see me, truly, and be there for me in a way that would bring out all of the best aspects of my personality.
Yea. I pretty much think this is what we all want, deep down. But truly, now, with a half-century under my belt, I wonder how many of us actually get this? I would say that it is most likely the exception, rather then the rule. Doesn't make it easier to accept, but certainly makes it easier to understand, and forgive.
Because when I really step back and reflect, I realize that Gaia has done all this for me, and perhaps more.
Because with my strongly individual personality, I wonder that even if I had had a parent like this, if I wouldn't just have felt sort of stifled and smothered?
And, truly, when all is said and done, my mother, who had very little good parenting (and perhaps, much abuse) of her own, did try her best. I can't even imagine what it must have been like, to have so few skills as a socialized and functional human being, trying to raise six children in a manner where they all felt loved unconditionally. Impossible. And so, unrealistic to even have hoped for. Of course, as a child, you don't know this, you just want a mother, and as a child, you actually have a right to expect one.
But as an adult, now, with a fully established relationship with my true mother, it has dawned on me that it is time (perhaps past time) to put away childish things and get on with getting on. Hence the forgiveness part. So, it didn't happen for me in the way I expected. Big deal. Time to move on.
And the truth is: Gaia has done this for me, in oh so very many ways. She's taught me so very much about myself. About my wishes, hopes, dreams, expectations, and desires. She's taught me to be more positive. less negative; more forgiving, less judgmental; more adventurous, less frightened; more generous, less grasping; more hopeful, less sad.
And last, but not least, Gaia has always just, well, been there. Like a true parent.
Whenever I have been frightened, angry, scared, or lost and alone, I only ever had to stick my hands in the dirt, and get digging, and in just a short amount of time, feeling better. Or putting my walking boots on, and just putting one foot in front of the other, crying and stumbling my way up the mountainside.
Funny, I always felt embarrassed to be seen in public, crying, but never cared if anyone in the woods saw me doing so.
The mountain always just took my tears and transformed them, because the view from up top, is always so very different from that down below.
How could anyone ever reach the top of a mountain and not be completely awed by the view, and hence, able to stop crying long enough to take it all in and realize that everything that we think (as the most fallible of humans) is really, finally, and most simply, a matter of perspective?
Gaia has shown me this, time and time again, and oh, really, so much more.
More often then not, she has been the parent I wanted. The parent I needed. The parent I longed for, in my times of deepest distress, and did not even know what it was that I so achingly longed for.
Perhaps, just perhaps, I have allowed myself to realize that on some level, it may have been very good for me to have been born into that hellish chaos.
It did force me to look elsewhere for nourishment.
And even though I had to look pretty hard, and stumble around for many moons, I do, for the most part, feel I have landed on my feet.
Or rather, in the very bounteous and enriching, lap, of the most beautiful, loving, kind, patient, generous and understanding parent, in the universe. Mother Earth. It's taken some serious, long, hard work. That's true. But, if there's one legacy I could leave for my grandchild, I think it would be this one.
And so, with that in mind, I offer up this prayer..............That he have a longstanding and most loving relationship, with all things wild and free. That Gaia watches over him, even when he is not aware of it. That he always feels treasured, and beloved. That he always feels at home, in the dirt. That he always feels a deep kinship with the plant spirits. With the tree people. With the air and fire and rain folk. That he always knows, on some level, that he is not alone. That he knows what peace feels like. That when he falls, he always falls into the lap of his most loving mother, Gaia. Amen.
Good morning and blessings to all, as this incredibly cleansing rain washes away much of the bizarre energy that often surrounds us.
Signing out from RaraAvis at the House of Found Goods.
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