Well, it was day 5 yesterday, and that old "crawling out of my skin" feeling came back, viciously, indeed.
I read about others accounts of their struggle with fasting, and it's helpful, but unfortunately, not helpful enough to prevent me from relapsing.
It doesn't even seem like the same struggle at times.
My struggles with the initial detox phase of fasting always seems to revolve around the psyche and not anything to do with physical discomfort, although I guess if you call mere hunger, physical discomfort, then there's some of that, too. It doesn't seem to be the overarching discomfort, though, in as much as my body isn't very demanding in that way, these days. In fact, when I DO eat, especially solids, I am more uncomfortable, then when I don't, so from a physical standpoint, it's actually a relief, in many ways, NOT to eat.
For me, it's much more of a psychic challenge, then it seems to be, for others. Right now, I am disabled physically, so I am unable to use the tool of exercise, as a venting tool, like I once would have, to flush the ghosts and demons out of my head.
That only leaves creating (which is another tool that I found over the years, to help with distancing myself from myself, as it were), which I find I have very little interest in, when I am not eating very much.
So cheating by eating some sugar, finally, and allowing that my brain is needing something other then what it is getting, is just another way for me to realize how mentally addictive food has been for me, over the years. And it's also a wake-up call that I did not prepare adequately, on some level.
Right now, I am rather uncomfortable in my life, and I have personally created so many demands (what with the birds, the dog, and the chickens), on my time and energy, that it's almost impossible to stick with my plan. (Or, at least, it was, for the last week, anyway).
Which tells me that I didn't do a good enough job at preparing for the endeavor that is fasting. Which also tells me that I need to stop and re-evaluate what I could do, differently, this week, in order to succeed through the detox phase (without giving in to the sugar call), and thereby get to the other side of the hill. (A little bible metaphor here.........Job's repeated struggle up the hill......:)
I know that I did not do a sufficient job at creating a space to stretch. My kitchen (while it is somewhat cleaned up from the Farmers Market deluge of a month ago) is still quite a mess, and is not welcoming to having the pilates arc put on the floor (where I do my stretching routine). The floor is filthy and needs mopping (which I don't have the energy to do), in order to avoid getting sticky residue on my exercise stuff.
I also know that I did not do a sufficient job at creating a space to meditate. (Which is another whole ball of wax that I am currently unable to repair.)
I felt dehydrated a lot, which tells me I did not drink enough of something. I am plenty bored with water, and tea, and miso broth, and I have no idea, short of spending a bunch of money, how to make something that I find entrancing enough to spend my waking hours of slogging up the hill, with.
We put ourselves on a strict budget this year, so even though I have begun to collect a regular disability check, it still isn't even enough to dig ourselves out of the overage damage that we incurred last year, when we weren't paying close attention. That alone, is depressing enough to just despair over, endlessly.
Even though fasting does cost less then eating (I think), making vegetable broth is quite an endeavor and quite costly, despite the fact that we have many of the vegetables to start it with, in our cold-frame. Organic vegetables are costly and the time/energy to make it, is also an expenditure I don't seem to have, at the moment. Roasting dandelion coffee (although essential to have) is also another thing I did not do, this time, despite having plenty of root, in backstock. So today, I am drinking coffee (decaf) and having some dairy (cream) in it, just because it's something different I can do, to stop being so darn bored with all of it.
For me, apparently, one of the drawbacks to being successful on the fasting train, is boredom.
I read back on all this, and think about it, and realize that inertia is also a tremendous problem for me.
Whether boredom and inertia are types of depression or not, I'm not sure.
I do know that all I can do, is start again, and try to do better this week. So, once again, the plan is to:
Get up. Walk Dog. Take vitamins with vegetable juice. Tend Chickens. Feed Dog. Stretch. Eat pulp if hungry by then (usually yes). Read Homework/Research. Drink lots. Create. Drink lots. Meditate. Take drugs. Sleep. Get up. Do it all again.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it? (Actually, when I re-read it, it sounds rather boring. ho-hum.)
I have to say that in many ways, I've (we've) created a very simple life-style for ourselves, that many, many, many people, would envy, highly. And yet, and yet, it still isn't simple enough to lend itself to enabling the kind of retreat that I find necessary (from a psychic standpoint) to enable me to be successful at fasting. I feel like I should add something, anything, that would stimulate me a bit more. But I am hampered by this disability, and have no idea what that would be, exactly. sigh.
What a struggle it is, finding new (and different) ways, to stimulate my mind so that it doesn't miss the oral gratification of chomping on something (whether that be food, or finger-nails, or nuts, or candy). That urge to just chew is incredibly strong in me. I find it impossible to believe it is a form of pica, or lack of nutrition, since I take an enormous amount of supplements.
I am convinced that it is anxiety, pure and simple. What to do about it (so that I can be in control of it, instead of the other way around), is the thing I am not so sure of, since the usual tried-and-true strategies are no longer within my means to utilize.
Well, like Rich says, I need to follow the advice on one of the many inspiring refrigerator magnets I own: Fall Seven Times, Stand up Eight.
Something practical that I CAN do for myself, is to obtain a light therapy box (even though it is most definitely NOT in our new budget), and thereby, increase the amount of daylight I am receiving (and unable to avail myself of, at present). It is definitely dark here, and for sure, that is NOT helping.
I have also made an appointment to see a new therapist, whose specialty is PTSD and who does EMDR work, which I am hoping, will likely help, tremendously. The fact that she is only one town away is a positive improvement, since the one I was seeing, was 45 minutes away (which meant a minimum 3 hour trip), and was a type of self-sabotage more then it was helpful.
I am also hoping that since I have cut my calories pretty much in half, even eating only a bit of pulp, that the weight loss will continue (2 pounds last week).
But, I do need to qualify that and say that I need to figure out how to find the balance in not cutting calories so far that it leaves me too cold and exhausted to do the other stuff that needs doing, or leaves me feeling impotent and disinterested on a psychic level.
Hmmmm........lots of new challenges for the new week ahead.
Rara Avis signing out from The House of Found Goods.
I read about others accounts of their struggle with fasting, and it's helpful, but unfortunately, not helpful enough to prevent me from relapsing.
It doesn't even seem like the same struggle at times.
My struggles with the initial detox phase of fasting always seems to revolve around the psyche and not anything to do with physical discomfort, although I guess if you call mere hunger, physical discomfort, then there's some of that, too. It doesn't seem to be the overarching discomfort, though, in as much as my body isn't very demanding in that way, these days. In fact, when I DO eat, especially solids, I am more uncomfortable, then when I don't, so from a physical standpoint, it's actually a relief, in many ways, NOT to eat.
For me, it's much more of a psychic challenge, then it seems to be, for others. Right now, I am disabled physically, so I am unable to use the tool of exercise, as a venting tool, like I once would have, to flush the ghosts and demons out of my head.
That only leaves creating (which is another tool that I found over the years, to help with distancing myself from myself, as it were), which I find I have very little interest in, when I am not eating very much.
So cheating by eating some sugar, finally, and allowing that my brain is needing something other then what it is getting, is just another way for me to realize how mentally addictive food has been for me, over the years. And it's also a wake-up call that I did not prepare adequately, on some level.
Right now, I am rather uncomfortable in my life, and I have personally created so many demands (what with the birds, the dog, and the chickens), on my time and energy, that it's almost impossible to stick with my plan. (Or, at least, it was, for the last week, anyway).
Which tells me that I didn't do a good enough job at preparing for the endeavor that is fasting. Which also tells me that I need to stop and re-evaluate what I could do, differently, this week, in order to succeed through the detox phase (without giving in to the sugar call), and thereby get to the other side of the hill. (A little bible metaphor here.........Job's repeated struggle up the hill......:)
I know that I did not do a sufficient job at creating a space to stretch. My kitchen (while it is somewhat cleaned up from the Farmers Market deluge of a month ago) is still quite a mess, and is not welcoming to having the pilates arc put on the floor (where I do my stretching routine). The floor is filthy and needs mopping (which I don't have the energy to do), in order to avoid getting sticky residue on my exercise stuff.
I also know that I did not do a sufficient job at creating a space to meditate. (Which is another whole ball of wax that I am currently unable to repair.)
I felt dehydrated a lot, which tells me I did not drink enough of something. I am plenty bored with water, and tea, and miso broth, and I have no idea, short of spending a bunch of money, how to make something that I find entrancing enough to spend my waking hours of slogging up the hill, with.
We put ourselves on a strict budget this year, so even though I have begun to collect a regular disability check, it still isn't even enough to dig ourselves out of the overage damage that we incurred last year, when we weren't paying close attention. That alone, is depressing enough to just despair over, endlessly.
Even though fasting does cost less then eating (I think), making vegetable broth is quite an endeavor and quite costly, despite the fact that we have many of the vegetables to start it with, in our cold-frame. Organic vegetables are costly and the time/energy to make it, is also an expenditure I don't seem to have, at the moment. Roasting dandelion coffee (although essential to have) is also another thing I did not do, this time, despite having plenty of root, in backstock. So today, I am drinking coffee (decaf) and having some dairy (cream) in it, just because it's something different I can do, to stop being so darn bored with all of it.
For me, apparently, one of the drawbacks to being successful on the fasting train, is boredom.
I read back on all this, and think about it, and realize that inertia is also a tremendous problem for me.
Whether boredom and inertia are types of depression or not, I'm not sure.
I do know that all I can do, is start again, and try to do better this week. So, once again, the plan is to:
Get up. Walk Dog. Take vitamins with vegetable juice. Tend Chickens. Feed Dog. Stretch. Eat pulp if hungry by then (usually yes). Read Homework/Research. Drink lots. Create. Drink lots. Meditate. Take drugs. Sleep. Get up. Do it all again.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it? (Actually, when I re-read it, it sounds rather boring. ho-hum.)
I have to say that in many ways, I've (we've) created a very simple life-style for ourselves, that many, many, many people, would envy, highly. And yet, and yet, it still isn't simple enough to lend itself to enabling the kind of retreat that I find necessary (from a psychic standpoint) to enable me to be successful at fasting. I feel like I should add something, anything, that would stimulate me a bit more. But I am hampered by this disability, and have no idea what that would be, exactly. sigh.
What a struggle it is, finding new (and different) ways, to stimulate my mind so that it doesn't miss the oral gratification of chomping on something (whether that be food, or finger-nails, or nuts, or candy). That urge to just chew is incredibly strong in me. I find it impossible to believe it is a form of pica, or lack of nutrition, since I take an enormous amount of supplements.
I am convinced that it is anxiety, pure and simple. What to do about it (so that I can be in control of it, instead of the other way around), is the thing I am not so sure of, since the usual tried-and-true strategies are no longer within my means to utilize.
Well, like Rich says, I need to follow the advice on one of the many inspiring refrigerator magnets I own: Fall Seven Times, Stand up Eight.
Something practical that I CAN do for myself, is to obtain a light therapy box (even though it is most definitely NOT in our new budget), and thereby, increase the amount of daylight I am receiving (and unable to avail myself of, at present). It is definitely dark here, and for sure, that is NOT helping.
I have also made an appointment to see a new therapist, whose specialty is PTSD and who does EMDR work, which I am hoping, will likely help, tremendously. The fact that she is only one town away is a positive improvement, since the one I was seeing, was 45 minutes away (which meant a minimum 3 hour trip), and was a type of self-sabotage more then it was helpful.
I am also hoping that since I have cut my calories pretty much in half, even eating only a bit of pulp, that the weight loss will continue (2 pounds last week).
But, I do need to qualify that and say that I need to figure out how to find the balance in not cutting calories so far that it leaves me too cold and exhausted to do the other stuff that needs doing, or leaves me feeling impotent and disinterested on a psychic level.
Hmmmm........lots of new challenges for the new week ahead.
Rara Avis signing out from The House of Found Goods.
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