Well, good day from Hermit Haven. 

I have really tried to keep this blog about plants, but there are other things that need saying, too. 

The big important imperatives that drive me as instruction on how to live my life are Integrity, Honesty, Respect for All beings, Right Thinking and Right Speech. These are not all strictly Buddhist in nature but they could be. It's funny how all religions just look the same once you delve into them, isn't it? 

In that vein, I have spent the last 25 years studying NVC (Non-Violent Communication), intermittently, as well as training under various Shamans in Energy Healing and Frequency Divination. 

As far as frequency divination; I found Bi-Neural Beat Frequencies to be quite helpful in the early part of my healing journey. They require headphones and are based on the energy frequencies of the brain (Delta Theta, Alpha, Beta)...that's super fun to say fast, I dare you! lol. In any case, the theory of bi-neural beats is that a frequency of sound waves (Mhz), only one pitch in difference, is sent to each ear and they wrap around the brain (on account of the headphones), thereby resetting the frequencies. It worked really well for me, but I understand now that it has been taken even further, with technology. It's a fascinating body of research that is still in its infancy, but I suspected it would take off with the advent of AI, and it did. Dang, but I wished I had bought stock in these companies. lol.

Another truly useful thing I found was Meditation. I think I mentioned that I have pretty severe cPTSD that gives me crippling anxiety. Mostly because when I become super stressed my brain actually goes into hyper-alert mode and refuses to acknowledge most (if not all) allopathic drugs, as well as giving me much insomnia. I actually have a suitcase with many different protocols to choose, when my brain starts up with this clamoring nonsense. 

The best and least harmful, but most expensive, drug, I found, is not covered by big Pharm. Presumably because it is too good and everyone can grow it, so no money in it.  Yup. It's Marijuana, or actually the non THC form of CBD (just one of the 112 known about cannabinoids). It literally gave me back my life. 

Not only did it work well for my nerve pain, it forced my brain to make dopamine. Now, I don't know how much to say about that, but what I know from my journey, is that our big, dual, human brains, trick us constantly. 

I believe It's because we have MORE neurotransmitters (NT's) that cause us to Run, Fight, Freeze or Hide, than we do NT's that allow us to become calm and peaceful. It's a survival mechanism. It's also a pain in the brain. Our brains get highjacked when we are born into a very stressful and crisis fueled environment. The NT's that allow us to survive this shock, are the Corticosteroids created by the release of these hormones (cortisol, mainly) by signals from the Amygdala and Hippocampus. 

Unfortunately, by the time we are FIVE years old, there's no turning back, the brain starts cleaving up NT Highways that are not being used. So, if your brain did not make the good NT's (Oxytocin, Serotonin, Dopamine and Gaba), by then, the brain starts cleaving those centers out. And yea, our big dual brains leave us pretty much screwed. I've always said there's no mind f**k like the one we do to ourselves, no comparison, no how. 

So, me, little ole me, training my brain to start making those pathways again? It's a minor (or maybe a major), miracle. Or at least that's how it looks from outside. Most people who get good at something, make it look easy. Even my FUFO's (Frigged Up Family of Origin) thinks that it's magic; because they are all still stuck at Ericksons Developmental scale of 3 years old and the magical thinking of that age.  (For more on this, read Ericksons developmental stages in early childhood.)

I am here to tell you all that it isn't any kind of magic. It was actually death defying and endless hard work that made me feel like I would go insane, time and time again. There were many times my cPTSD was so bad that I would literally shake like a junkie, in withdrawal, for 6-8 hours at a time. When I finally felt well enough to rejoin the world, the triggers started to come again, fast and furious at times, with no relief  in site. 

Remember I said my brain goes wonky on the subject of allopathic drugs? I can literally take 10-15 Valium's at a time when it gets this way. It does nothing, except make me throw up and get a migraine. Same with Liquor, same with Hydrocodone, OxyCodone, Demerol, liquor, food, sugar, yeast, beer, and anything else that other folks get to turn to for some relief. 

The UVM docs, first tried me on gabapentin, but this made me into a zombie. Then, after all else they tried, didn't work, as a last resort, they tried Cymbalta, and wasn't that a lark? I got zero relief and ALL the side effects. Made me feel like I was going blind. EEEK!

Well, I finally got off those and the other 4 they had me on and started taking CBD. Did I say it saved me? So sorry to repeat myself....actually.........NOT. I consider the marijuana plant a miracle drug, right up there with Peyote and small micro-doses of LSD and Ketamine.

But I digress..The UVM docs pretty much tried me on everything, for the nerve pain they left me with from their botched surgery. 

Unfortunately, the one thing they couldn't do, was rebuild my beleaguered brain and nervous system (12 hours on a table, under anesthesia, will do that to a body). That little aberration, I had to do, myself. I believed it was possible, from all my studies, so I began that journey, next (after weaning off all the drugs). It was mostly good. Except for the 6-8 hour stints where all I did was breathe consciously, for just hours and hours and hours. Sometimes all night and into part of the day. 

Because the other thing that happens when a child is constantly terrorized, is that they hold their breath and tense up while the abuse is happening. After it happens enough times, they completely forget how to breathe properly. So, the first step to healing is to relearn how to breathe. There are many, many, breathing practitioners out there, so I won't bother posting a link, because the ones that helped me, may not work for you. 

I developed my own particular breath work which is actually quite hard work (this is me, easy never on the table, not ever).  But, it did condition my lungs to relearn how to breathe properly. It took a longggg time. I also used the bi-neural meditations from the insight meditation timer, in sync with my breathing practice. I have now meditated for well over 2000 hours but I consider myself still a beginner. Isn't the rule of thumb is that it takes 10,000 hours of practice before you can expect to become a master? 

Well, that's okay, the Buddha says we should all approach everything and everyone with a beginnner's mind, so I don't mind. It's actually rather fun. People are way nicer to you when you are honest and say: I don't know, (when you don't) because they are happy to talk about and share what they DO know. I get a LOT of helpful info from folks with this approach. And information is currency, don't you know? 

So, at some point, in the interest of helping folks in the best way I can, I plan to make a video of my practice. It's vital to learn how to breathe properly, as a first step to meditation. Most folks who tell me they can't meditate, I see as a direct indication that they actually can't breathe consciously. In much the same way that GABA is a precursor to dopamine, learning how to breathe is a precursor to meditation. 

So, you see, it's not so much a meditation problem, as it is a "discipline in breathing", problem. Did you know that Dolphins HAVE to breathe consciously? They have no choice. We humans and our big dual brains, though. WE have to relearn everything that was taken from us when we were terrorized as children. It's a long, hard, slog. And about as far from magic, as a body can ever get. 

I am just an uber stubborn, now "old" lady, that doesn't know when to lay down and die (the devil and me? we are arch enemies). I have been told that I have the most advanced case of cPTSD that most therapists and psychiatrists have ever seen. So, if I can do it, under these stressors, then you can, too!

If I have ANY advice that is worthwhile, I would say: Never give up hope and keep the faith. But, more, much more importantly, remember to just breathe! Trust me when I say that making friends with your breath is the best thing you will ever do!

In that vein, today, I leave you with these quotes from Andrea Gibson and Amanda Gorman. 

"The only noise louder than destruction is creation".

"For there is always light, if we could only seek to see the light, if we could only seek to BE the light." 

Powerful words. 

Choosing consciously, to use Right Mind, Right Speech and Right Presence, is incredibly hard (impossible, for me, very often). But so very, very, worth it. 

And anyway, it's all about the journey, and not the destination, because yea, we already know the destination, don't we? (dirt nap). 

Why waste a single minute in service to a lower state of being? It's a high ideal, but did I mention how stubborn I am? 

So, from Hermit Haven, to the wider world: have a great rest of the week. Go play. Go sing. Go dance. Try to do one thing every day that satisfies your higher good. 

From the craggy edge of reason; I am here, if you need me. 

https://youtu.be/Eo-UKCxCglg