Day 8 (or is it 7, on account of Friday's mishap?), whatever.

Today, I thought I'd say a little about Dairy. I've included Milk (organic) and Kefir (yogurt) in the first phase of my transition, because I found that it helps to coat my stomach, not only with mucus, but also with the added probiotics from the Kefir. These are two things that I need rather desperately, right now.

My body happens to need the mucus because of the fact that I have had chronic diarrhea for the past few years, (western medicine has failed to determine the culprit), so much of my natural mucus has been eliminated. I know this because I see it in the toilet, and also because I have a constant dry mouth and throat.

While there may be other things that might help to build mucus (seaweed being one of them); I found out not too long ago that the fat from milk helps to encourage the liver to produce bile. Since lack of bile is another medical issue that I have been struggling with (i.e., gallbladder issues; either I don't have one, it's atrophied, or it's inflamed), I feel that if there's any chance at all for this to be true, then I should give my liver what it needs.

I also feel that with the chronic diarrhea, I must surely need as many probiotics as I can get, so I am not necessarily cutting out Kefir, either. I do intend to set aside some time in the next weeks, though, and try to figure out a source for raw milk and some starter to enable me to make my own.

Having said that, I also DO intend to cut out most (if not all) dairy, over the course of the next few days.

I DO have leftover irish moss seaweed still soaking in water (from the holidays) and I just incorporated the healthiest batch of sprigs, into a gallon of nut milk that I finally got around to making. Along with a Tblsp. of lemon juice, this should stay fresh enough to get me through the next week, or so.

I also have organic non-gmo soy milk as a back-up, if need be, but I am also going to try and make my own soy-milk, sometime in the next few weeks. I know the hype about soy-milk, and I am not the least bit concerned about the build-up nasties that occur with consistent use of the stuff, as I will be switching back and forth, quite regularly, between soymilk, kefir, milk, and coconut milk.

Let's see.........is there anything else I wanted to talk about, today?...........I guess there's not too much.

Physically, I feel better then I did last week at this time. My walks and stretching are helping to release the constant phlegm in the back of my throat (which may or may not be, milk related, as I did have a pretty good cold a couple of weeks ago).  I did have a slight headache this a.m., and some dehydration, but all and all, I feel, on the whole, pretty clear and like my body is clearing itself out, some. I seem to remember my teenage years, constantly clearing phlegm from the back of my throat, in response to a cat allergy, so it does not concern me greatly. I think purging dairy short-term, will be a very good thing, tho, in helping it to continue to clear up. Adding in the seaweed will hopefully aid in keeping my mucus membranes lined sufficiently, so that I am not clearing/coughing/swallowing, all the time.

Other then that, I have begun the process of only pulpy liquids (in the form of smoothies) in which I integrate super green food powder, raw protein, milk-thistle powder, frozen fruit, fresh juice, flax seed oil, and clover sprouts. Along with the veggie/medicinal soup puree that I have at night (for dinner), I am feeling quite confident and in control. My stomach has started to grumble a lot less, and my detox symptoms are quite manageable. The best thing, though, is that I have stopped taking Oxy-powder, (a supplement with laxative like qualities), every single day (which is a necessity for me, when eating solids).

So, even though I am not feeling close to wanting to switch over to juices only, at this point in time, I am confident that I will know the right time to do so, and will be ready, willing and able, when that time arrives.

On that note, I am signing off with some food for thought (no pun intended), and that is that we are not all one size, so our diet and/or fasting processes, should not be, either. :)

This is Rara Avis, signing off from The House of Found Goods.

On making the transition to straight juicing.......

I thought a lot about this, this morning, while walking the dog. It led me to realize that transitions, for me, are the hardest things in life.

I say that because my own personal learning curve, throughout most of my life, has been fairly anxiety producing, as well as slowwww (it seems to me, anyway), despite the fact that people who observe me think I pick things up fairly quickly. If they only knew. lol.

I am not patient with the process, not at all. I want to know everything there is to know, about new things, in the first week, usually! Failing that, at least in the first month. :)

This seems to bleed over into most things, including exercise. I found exercise in my early 20's, and quickly realizing that it had numerous mental benefits, I began to explore many ways to get my "fix". I became a certified aerobics instructor (which was difficult for someone with no background in regular physical fitness). I next explored a more formal version of dance aerobics, (jazz), then step aerobics, which transgressed to running, which transgressed to  rollerblading, and finally, I found hiking, which has remained my hands-down favorite thing to do. :)

Where am I going with all this?

Well, in all of these ventures, the one thing I found to be true, was the transitioning process. With much hindsight, I have begun to realize that this was actually the hardest part to all of the things I have tried as "new" things, throughout my life. Taking baby steps, for me, is the ONLY way to do anything different or new. I have found that as a consistent theme in my various and sundry creations, and conversations with musicians over the years, has only verified it in the process of making music, as well.

With that in mind, I realized today, while walking, that I have approached fasting with this in mind (albeit subconsciously). I have broken up the process in my mind, to phase 1, phase 2, and phase 3.

Phase 1: I allow myself any type of fluid (even pulp), to include dairy, (for a couple reasons, one medical   and one practical, which I will expound upon, later), to include supplements, to include caffeine, to include smoothies, to include soup pulp, some small portions of liquid sweets, etc. etc.

Phase 2: Preparing sufficiently to begin phasing out dairy 3-4 times a week (but not hot soup pulp or essiac), and definitely phasing out caffeine (unless absolutely necessary in the form of green tea and mate), and most sweeteners (except royal jelly and bee pollen).

Phase 3: Straight juicing (to include teas, fruit, supergreens, etc.)

Who knows how long this will take, but I think it may take some going back and forth, between phases, for some weeks. After all, I think I probably quit smoking no less then 6-10 times, before it "stuck" as a new habit. I think fasting (weaning away from food), is probably just as potent in the withdrawal process as many other addictions, and I believe that it takes just as much mental/emotional/physical preparation.

So...........this is week 2, and I definitely feel more on top of things then I did last week, at this time. I have essiac made (and in the refrigerator), I have lots of herb tea blends, and a light therapy box, coming in the mail. I did use the thumper the other night, and made space and time to stretch today, which is ever so helpful. And now I am off to purchase some vegetables for soup broth and juicing.

A small aside: I am beginning to wonder (based on my dreams/sleep quality, of the last couple of nights) if the Sunfoods Cacao is NOT raw, like the reviews from various raw food chef's, have noted. My dreams are usually not quite that vivid, unless caffeine is involved (I have found out that heating cacao, changes the Thomabromines to Caffeine). It could also be, however, the lack of calories. This often happens to me in response to calorie reduction. Just in case it's the cacao, though, I am going to be ordering some from Essential Living Foods and giving it a test try, see if anything changes.

I will be reviewing my findings on Cacao, Dairy, and Raw/Pasteurized almonds, in a new post, so stay tuned!

For now, this is Rara Avis signing out from The House of Found Goods.

re: Day 7 is interesting so far.........

Not that I was counting especially, because I have left my challenge open-ended in duration.

I left it open, because really, it seems pointless to go back to eating solids, when they give me so much trouble, anyway. I can't think why I ever went off my other fast, in July, except that I was in too much pain (trying to get off the various nervine drugs), that I couldn't be bothered to stay in tune with the discipline it takes. I think, too, that I just missed food, especially sweet food.

I personally think that most of us do have a sweet tooth, and that many of us are genetically predisposed to having it, because of what I know about the biology of the brain. The brain uses sugar first and foremost. That is it's fuel. It cannot utilize other types of fuel, such as protein and fat, without the body converting it first, into sugar. It stands to reason, then, that a sugar craving is the first hurdle we will have to overcome, once we shave our calories in half (at least), by attempting to fast.

I think day 5 (Friday), when I had that sugar jones, it was because of this very fact. I also think that the brain will fight for supremacy, and if you don't heed it, you do so at your own risk. It doesn't seem to have mattered that I ate a bag of candy and a 1/2 cup of macadamia nuts, in terms of weight-loss, as I've lost 5 pounds already and it's not even been a whole week. Which indicates to me, that it was indeed, a severe lack of calories that I encountered on Friday night, and that my brain was definitely in charge of the scene.

No matter how much willpower one possesses, it does not come close to being enough, when the brain is involved. That's probably a very good thing. And since the whole topic of the brain is such a long-winded discussion, I won't have it here, but I will say that I believe that that is where meditation comes into the picture, and probably the only way to "settle" the brain down enough to get it with the program.

Of course, in order to meditate, I believe there not only needs to be a welcoming physical space set up for it, but also a good clear space in the mind, embracing the idea of it.

The perfect time to do so, then, is after I've vented physically, by walking the dog and stretching.

With that as a goal, I am cleaning again today, and hoping that with clean floors, and uncluttered physical spaces, it will enable my brain to follow suit, and find a way to be uncluttered, as well.

We'll see. :)

I did want to say a little about the fact that I am not limiting liquids in any way, shape or form. I believe this will help with the boredom factor (this is thanks to my friend Renee, on FB).

So, yes, I AM allowing dairy, (when and if I feel like it). I AM allowing caffeine in tea and coffee (when and if I feel like it), and I AM allowing some sweeteners (like honey and agave), when and if I feel like it.  And last, but not least, I am also allowing pulpy liquids (like kefir, rapplesauce, and raw protein shakes with superfood greens), when and if I feel like it.

A small word on dairy. A former nurse friend of mine and I, were discussing bile, and she looked in her Taber's Medical Dictionary, which indicated that the liver really, really, really, likes, the fat and sugar from dairy, in order to produce bile. Whether this is true or not (i would not be surprised to find that it's just one of many ways in which the dairy industry has infiltrated western medicine), I don't think I am going to rush to rule it out of my diet, especially in light of the fact that I am having issues with my gall-bladder. :) I will, however, be investigating ways in which to obtain non-gmo organic soybeans in the next few weeks, enabling me to start making my own soy milk, to have in phase 2 of my journey.

I believe that initially (perhaps the first 3-6 weeks) it is vitally important for me to have the things that comfort me (in my liquids), including dairy, because I believe that too much deprivation, too soon, will do nothing except to act as a deterrent.

In line with this, I also believe that cutting too many calories too fast, is not a particularly healthy thing. I know from biology that we are genetically predisposed to only losing 2 pounds a week. Any more then that is a type of starvation, which isn't terribly healthy, either (and sets us up for all sorts of other complications, down the road). Of course, this depends on how healthy one is, to start with, and how much extra weight one has.

For me, 2 pounds a week, is what I can manage, (physically and/or mentally) from where I am at, right now.

As the weather changes and the days grow longer, I believe that I will be able to wean away from pulps, sweeteners, and dairy, and thereby switch to all juices, broths and teas. For however long it feels good. How's that for open ended?

As for supplements. Yes, I do take a slate of them. Especially in what I like to refer to, as phase one (the first 3-6 weeks). And I am going to add fish oil to the battery, shortly. What do I take? Here's a list:

Garden Of Life Raw Vitamin C, Garden of Life's Raw Vitamin B, Enzymedica Enzymes (ViraStop and SerraGold), Pure Encapsulations NAC (for my liver), Pure Encapsulations M/R/S (a mushroom formula), Young Living's ParaFree (which I take just because of all the essential oils in it and not because I am doing a parasite cleanse, but hey, it's a fringe benefit, just in case, right? lol), Liquid Vitamin D & E, and Renew LIfe's Power Cleanse 1 (which is mainly for the Vitamin A). I do need to do some research on finding a better Vitamin A source, as well as a source for Alpha-Lapoic acid, but all and all, I think I am hitting a home-run with most of these.

The real benefit of the essential oils is that the "awful-scaly-iron-on-my-sensitive-teeth-sensation", has pretty much abated. The other benefit from all these supplements is that they make me feel like I am helping support and sustain my body's mitochondria, thereby assisting my brain to relax and "get-with-the-program". Vastly important.

Well, many goals for the upcoming weeks and I will definitely be updating the blog at least every other day (another goal), as well as trying to get my website updated and renewed.

I can't say I feel great today, as I didn't sleep all that well, but I definitely feel better then I did last week at this time, and I am hoping that slow, gradual, improvement in my physical and mental energy, will soon appear. Here's to hoping!

Rara Avis signing out from The House of Found Goods.

re: The Struggle with Fasting.

Well, it was day 5 yesterday, and that old "crawling out of my skin" feeling came back, viciously, indeed.

I read about others accounts of their struggle with fasting, and it's helpful, but unfortunately, not helpful enough to prevent me from relapsing.

It doesn't even seem like the same struggle at times.

My struggles with the initial detox phase of fasting always seems to revolve around the psyche and not anything to do with physical discomfort, although I guess if you call mere hunger, physical discomfort, then there's some of that, too. It doesn't seem to be the overarching discomfort, though, in as much as my body isn't very demanding in that way, these days. In fact, when I DO eat, especially solids, I am more uncomfortable, then when I don't, so from a physical standpoint, it's actually a relief, in many ways, NOT to eat.

For me, it's much more of a psychic challenge, then it seems to be, for others. Right now, I am disabled physically, so I am unable to use the tool of exercise, as a venting tool, like I once would have, to flush the ghosts and demons out of my  head.

That only leaves creating (which is another tool that I found over the years, to help with distancing myself from myself, as it were), which I find I have very little interest in, when I am not eating very much.

So cheating by eating some sugar, finally, and allowing that my brain is needing something other then what it is getting, is just another way for me to realize how mentally addictive food has been for me, over the years. And it's also a wake-up call that I did not prepare adequately, on some level.

Right now, I am rather uncomfortable in my life, and I have personally created so many demands (what with the birds, the dog, and the chickens), on my time and energy, that it's almost impossible to stick with my plan. (Or, at least, it was, for the last week, anyway).

Which tells me that I didn't do a good enough job at preparing for the endeavor that is fasting. Which also tells me that I need to stop and re-evaluate what I could do, differently, this week, in order to succeed through the detox phase (without giving in to the sugar call), and thereby get to the other side of the hill. (A little bible metaphor here.........Job's repeated struggle up the hill......:)

I know that I did not do a sufficient job at creating a space to stretch. My kitchen (while it is somewhat cleaned up from the Farmers Market deluge of a month ago) is still quite a mess, and is not welcoming to having the pilates arc put on the floor (where I do my stretching routine).  The floor is filthy and needs mopping (which I don't have the energy to do), in order to avoid getting sticky residue on my exercise stuff.

I also know that I did not do a sufficient job at creating a space to meditate. (Which is another whole ball of wax that I am currently unable to repair.)

I felt dehydrated a lot, which tells me I did not drink enough of something. I am plenty bored with water, and tea, and miso broth, and I have no idea, short of spending a bunch of money, how to make something that I find entrancing enough to spend my waking hours of slogging up the hill, with.

We put ourselves on a strict budget this year, so even though I have begun to collect a regular disability check, it still isn't even enough to dig ourselves out of the overage damage that we incurred last year, when we weren't paying close attention.  That alone, is depressing enough to just despair over, endlessly.

Even though fasting does cost less then eating (I think), making vegetable broth is quite an endeavor and quite costly, despite the fact that we have many of the vegetables to start it with, in our cold-frame. Organic vegetables are costly and the time/energy to make it, is also an expenditure I don't seem to have, at the moment. Roasting dandelion coffee (although essential to have) is also another thing I did not do, this time, despite having plenty of root, in backstock. So today, I am drinking coffee (decaf) and having some dairy (cream) in it, just because it's something different I can do, to stop being so darn bored with all of it.

For me, apparently, one of the drawbacks to being successful on the fasting train, is boredom.

I read back on all this, and think about it, and realize that inertia is also a tremendous problem for me.

Whether boredom and inertia are types of depression or not, I'm not sure.

I do know that all I can do, is start again, and try to do better this week. So, once again, the plan is to:

Get up. Walk Dog. Take vitamins with vegetable juice. Tend Chickens. Feed Dog. Stretch. Eat pulp if hungry by then (usually yes). Read Homework/Research. Drink lots. Create. Drink lots. Meditate. Take drugs. Sleep. Get up. Do it all again.

Sounds so simple, doesn't it? (Actually, when I re-read it, it sounds rather boring. ho-hum.)

I have to say that in many ways, I've (we've) created a very simple life-style for ourselves, that many, many, many people, would envy, highly. And yet, and yet, it still isn't simple enough to lend itself to enabling the kind of retreat that I find necessary (from a psychic standpoint) to enable me to be successful at fasting. I feel like I should add something, anything, that would stimulate me a bit more. But I am hampered by this disability, and have no idea what that would be, exactly. sigh.

What a struggle it is, finding new (and different) ways, to stimulate my mind so that it doesn't miss the oral gratification of chomping on something (whether that be food, or finger-nails, or nuts, or candy). That urge to just chew is incredibly strong in me. I find it impossible to believe it is a form of pica, or lack of nutrition, since I take an enormous amount of supplements.

I am convinced that it is anxiety, pure and simple. What to do about it (so that I can be in control of it, instead of the other way around), is the thing I am not so sure of, since the usual tried-and-true strategies are no longer within my means to utilize.

Well, like Rich says, I need to follow the advice on one of the many inspiring refrigerator magnets I own: Fall Seven Times, Stand up Eight.

Something practical that I CAN do for myself, is to obtain a light therapy box (even though it is most definitely NOT in our new budget), and thereby, increase the amount of daylight I am receiving (and unable to avail myself of, at present).  It is definitely dark here, and for sure, that is NOT helping.

I have also made an appointment to see a new therapist, whose specialty is PTSD and who does EMDR work, which I am hoping, will likely help, tremendously. The fact that she is only one town away is a positive improvement, since the one I was seeing, was 45 minutes away (which meant a minimum 3 hour trip), and was a type of self-sabotage more then it was helpful.

I am also hoping that since I have cut my calories pretty much in half, even eating only a bit of pulp, that the weight loss will continue (2 pounds last week).

But, I do need to qualify that and say that I need to figure out how to find the balance in not cutting calories so far that it leaves me too cold and exhausted to do the other stuff that needs doing, or leaves me feeling impotent and disinterested on a psychic level.

Hmmmm........lots of new challenges for the new week ahead.

Rara Avis signing out from The House of Found Goods.

The New Year.

Thursday, January 4, 2012.


Well, so far, so good. Day 3 and closing in on the real thing (liquid fasting, that is). 
I actually had my rapple sauce (mixed with yogurt), for dinner, and almost couldn't finish it, so my stomach is shrinking, pretty quickly, apparently. 


I haven't bitten my nails in 3 days, and have kept on track (despite the nasty cold turnabout), with exercise. Made it all the way to the top of the hill, today, and could have gone further, if Boo-Boo didn't keep getting poo-poo in his butt hair.........he's such a funny little critter.......he stops dead if he gets so much as a tiny twig in his foot hair.........and he's 30 pounds, so I AIN'T lugging him.......I keep telling him to shake his booty when he's done with the pooty-duty, but he NEVER listens, seems like......almost as bad trying to hike with a toddler...........lol. 


I also cleaned out my fridge today. :) Found all sorts of things I won't use, either because I don't like them, (in which case, they are being given away), or because I won't use them, while fasting, in which case they went upstairs in the back stock refrigerator (Rich's). It always strikes me as funny how much extra time I have, when not preparing food to eat. :)


Thursday, January 5, 2012.


Day four of my fast, and all is seemingly well, although it is morning and so, is too soon to tell, for sure.


I do feel the need to reiterate something a friend of mine said on FB (Facebook), and that is that fasting brings up so much emotional stuff, it's sometimes unreal and/or surreal. 


For me, the break from food is often a very welcome break (just for the "not having to prepare anything" aspect, alone), but also because it tends to test my resolve and commitment to wanting to heal on a spiritual as well as a physical plane. 


As hard as the physical withdrawal to food, is, it's nothing in comparison to the emotional and spiritual withdrawal that I end up feeling. 


I know from fasting before, successfully (once last January for a month, and once last July, for three weeks), that I CAN do it, which is something I've never had before. I'd always thought that my addiction to coffee and sweets was something I was stuck with, permanently, for the rest of my life.  


Being freed from that belief alone, made the other types of withdrawal less burdensome, but only in hindsight, (being 20/20, and all that). 


This will be my third "liquids-only" fast, and it shows every sign of also containing that first week, or even week-and-a-half bout, of heavy anxiety, right along with it. I know I can ride it out, though, (because of my other successful fasting), so I've decided that it's an important thing to do, again, and again, until I can come to terms with it.  


It's something from another life, that anxiety. From where I am at right now, I believe it's a permanently embedded fear in my psychosis about where the next meal may come from. As a youngest child of six, in a very dysfunctional, very poor, (on all levels), fend-for-self environment, a box of cereal without cockroaches in it, was a miracle I don't think I ever experienced. 


From my other fasts, though, I found that the addiction to coffee and sweets, was largely just that; an unrealistic fear. I have reason to hope that this one is not permanent, either, and will ease. Whether or not it will ease with this latest fast, remains to be seen. 


I have reason (and experience, now, under my belt), to believe that eventually, it will, as the transition window of undesirable detox symptoms does seem to lessen a bit, each time. One of the many reasons to continue fasting is to test this theory out. Wouldn't it be something if all of our emotional and spiritual demons could merely be exorcised by removing oneself from the intake of food stuffs? 


The saints and prophets certainly thought as much, here is a quote that I have on my refrigerator:

Fasting is the most important of the acts of devotion. Keep yourself hungry, because an empty stomach is a source of wisdom. Prophets and saints have always gained their strength from fasting, but it must be done in degrees. Nothing helps an ascetic reach his goal faster than fasting, nor wins greater favor in God's eye's. It is one of the keys to the treasures of wisdom. Sayyid Burhaneddin.

I believe one of my friends on FB (Facebook) posted this awhile ago. It struck me as profound and accurate, so I keep it handy as a reminder that as hard as it is, I am not alone in the endeavor. This month, on FB, there are actually at least 4 (perhaps 5) of us, on the fasting train. This is also enormously helpful. There truly is strength in numbers, even if they are only virtual contacts. I don't think it would be quite so easy without knowing of them. :)

Did I just say easy? Good lord, fasting is anything but easy. And yet, and yet, it really IS easy, in some ways. The simplicity of it is freeing, but the getting there, to the simplicity, is difficult, indeed, beset as we are with all of the complex things that make us up, as humans.

Which brings me to the thought of our very complex human lives. I believe many of those complexities are created because we have such complex brains, and while it's fascinating indeed, the human brain, it tends to hide itself, creating an intense internal drama, behind the face of the human, that has little or no bearing to the world outside itself.

I think fasting enables us to put this complex thinking machine, (our brain), on hold for a little while, and get a little more in touch with reality. At the same time, it sets us free to travel in the astral plane (spiritually) and briefly, ever so briefly, become in sync with the divine aspects of ourselves and enable us to truly know what it is, to be having a human experience as a spiritual being. Truly, I don't know of a drug on earth, that can enable us to reach this Zenith.

So, it certainly sounds easy, doesn't it? And yet, when I think about how hard it is to actually DO, I just have to shake my head in bemusement at the practical joke played on us, by our maker. I don't believe I've ever done anything that's harder, unless it was to walk away from a former life, leaving everything I cared about, behind, in order to keep it safe.

Which leads me to conclude that the human condition is a complete conundrum, that has left philosophers, scientists and most other professionals (who study these things), as deluded as the rest of us, despite all the initials they have earned to put after their names.

On that note, I am off to walk the dog, drink some vegetable juice, tend the chickens and possibly clean some more.

Rara Avis signing out from the House of Found Goods.

And so this is Christmas.........

Well, it isn't like Christmas's past, that's for sure.

It is, however, in many ways, much, much, better then many of them have ever been.

Even despite some relationship and medical upset, it's still been a year full of improvements. I started to get some feeling back in my severed nerves, and actually was able to generate some sales for my little non-bakery business.

Weather-wise, it looks like we are just going to squeak into a white christmas, as the temp is hovering around 30, and has been for the last couple of nights. People have been joking all around about how they may have to mow their lawns on Christmas Day. Pretty Peculiar. Funny, though.

For the past couple of days, I have been agonizing needlessly about something that I had stuffed into a box, many years ago, in the attics of my life, only to find out that letting go of trying to keep the lid on the box, was actually fairly liberating and renewing.

It's funny how we make things so complicated as people.

I found out years ago, in my own evolvement, that we can mind f**k ourselves like nobody else. Which is to say that I have not only danced with the devil quite a few times; I have, in fact, let the devil in the room and actually mated with it, in the form of the beast of burden that was my familial legacy. Which is how and why I can say that it's truly pitiful, when it comes right down to it, how long we will stay in situations that are not good for us. I spent my whole childhood in some sort of weird purgatory. When I think of that past life, I get the picture of Al Pacino in the movie: The Devils Advocate, walking towards the guy he was about to suck dry, rubbing his hands together, saying, "....why, a little bloodletting, a little fire setting, a little soul raping, nothing is too depraved for my legion of followers,  buck up, my son, it's gonna' be a hell of a ride". Truly, it took me years to figure out how wrong and hinky that was. As Mary (the main character in the TV series, In Plain Sight,) would say......I hate hinky.

I forgave myself some time ago, for being an innocent child without any power to deflect most of it, but recent events have brought it back and forced me to open a box that I had forever thought closed. It wasn't as painful as it could have been, actually. Which doesn't mean the box is going to stay open. Some things should never be allowed to see the light of day, and that particular  box is one of them. It just made me realize a bunch of stuff about love, and how awfully tweaked most versions of it, are.

Which leads me right back to the beginning of this diatribe, i.e. the complications that we make for ourselves. I had to unwind at least a million strings of ribbon, just to get to the darn thing, then when I dug it out, I realized that the only reason I hadn't dug it out sooner, was because I was too nervous and frightened to deal with it. The first time I opened it, it almost destroyed me. I spent at least half a decade drinking, drugging and essentially throwing myself on the mercy of the world (which, actually, was tons nicer then the non-existent mercy of my family). The fear of the first encounter with the thing had not only wound the box up in knots, but my spirit, as well. It felt good to open the thing, clear the dust out of it, and repack it a little neater, before putting it away this time.

I don't think I could have managed if it hadn't been for Rich, being there, right by my side.

I thought for a long time, that the secrets in that box were so bloody, ugly, dirty and surreal, that they really shouldn't EVER see the light of day, not EVER. They caused so much destruction when they were put in there, the first time, that it simply wasn't safe to let them out. I really believed this. I believed that nobody would believe it, as it was like a very bad Alfred Hitchcock movie. I believed that those terrible and heinous trust violations that were perpetrated on a young, idealistic, and innocent girl, with the only commodity that anybody wanted, were much too tawdry and menial to be real. I never was entirely sure if things had happened the way I remembered, or the way I had been told they had happened. I realized after opening the box, that it didn't actually matter whether I ever know the entire truth about any of it. I don't want to know, actually. No matter which version was the "right" version, it was a long time ago, and so much water under the bridge.

I've sought the truth out a lot in my life, and while I believe it's true that "the truth will set you free", it will, but not before it carves your heart up into a gazillion maggot infested pieces that are used for so much soccer, purgatory style. Most of us cannot bear it. I did bear it, because I had to, but I don't believe that other people we care about, should have to.

I did realize though, upon repacking the box, that the events that created a necessity for that box in the first place, had colored my entire life. They created a great belief in conspiracy in me. They created a significant and lengthy distrust of all things "hidden", and they fractured and scattered my spiritual energy for a very long time. I also realized that the many times I've exhibited severe rage and frustration, it was because I couldn't get the shit back in that box, as it was just much too full. So, of course, I made sure to  put the box away, back in the attics of my life, a little neater this time, hopefully.

And I realize that I think I know what love is, now. Real love. Not the kind I grew up with. And not the false kind with all the bells and whistles (otherwise known as lust, that is really merely the devil having fun at our expense). Rich has shown me that love isn't any of those things, but is, rather, a rock-steady and no-matter what dirty awful secret you share with me, I will honor it, and keep it safe, kind of love. Which, actually, is the only reason I could pack the box up a little more carefully this time, and put it in a safer place, where the contents won't be wantonly disrupted by the whims of fate.

I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of love, but I am grateful, oh, so very grateful to finally have found my "home" and good friends and a kind of peaceful contentment that I didn't ever expect to find. I am so very grateful, and so........I think to myself, as I sit here waiting for the snow to fall..........and so......... this is Christmas.

Blessings to all and may you all find your own hidden treasures in the attics of your lives. :)

Re: A Cleansing Storm

I decided today to try and ignore the hype surrounding Irene and just post what it feels like to me, personally.

I haven't slept well this week, but for once, it's because of the weather, and for once, also, it's a very good thing.

I woke up from a sound sleep where I was having a very liberating and transformational dream, to hear the rain coming down.

For me, it's a type of very soothing rain, and if I do try and actively ignore the hype, it's also a very clearing rain. There is something in the air, that makes it just smell, well, heavenly, and along with that, it's clear that it's incredibly cleansing, as well. I can't explain what I mean by this, but I suspect that when people try and "bottle" rain into some type of perfume, this is the smell they are aiming for. :)

For some reason, this kind of rain also makes me stop and take a step back, (which is another very good thing) and reflect on the ways in which I have lived my life, thus far.

In that way, I guess you could say it's also a provocative kind of rain.

We have not had a storm like this for some time, in the East, and we are expected to get severe wind as well as high amounts of water and maybe even some power outages. It's funny, because as a friend of mine and I were talking about it on FB, it made me realize that I have spent my entire adult life, trying to be less reactionary, and now; just when I wasn't looking, over-reacting to everything has suddenly become quite fashionable.

I have no idea what that portends, especially, except that I guess if you live for half a century, you pretty much see everything.

I know what I've seen for the last decade, over and over, is that: "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Our society seems to be, now more then ever, in almost constant crisis mode, and if we don't have an internal  (i.e., personal) crisis, to aim our psychic energy at, then we're driven to focus on an external one. It's as if we are stuck, as a society, in permanent adolescence mode..........drama, drama, drama.

As far as I can tell, mobile phones and the internet, have just made this ever so much worse and actually easier to do, thereby enabling us to stay "stuck" as kids.

What ever happened to: "Yup, we're gonna' get the side shoots of that hurricane, so, um, probably ought to fill up some bottles of water, dig out some board games and find some candles."?

In another ten years, will anyone even remember what a board game is, do you think?

The other thing that I was reflecting on was the fact that with the advent of the first grandson, it's made me stop and ponder what kind of legacy that child is likely to have. I often feel very sad for not having been the supporting and encouraging and loving kind of parent I wish I could have been, to his mother. And so, I pray that my ineptness as a parent won't carry on, (naturally), but the deeper issue is, of course, what kind of world that child can expect to inherit, from us, the supposed stewards of the earth.

I was very pleased when I got a picture from my grandchild's dad, with me and the little bloke, and I had on my "Plant Trees" t-shirt. We also had an earthquake on the day he was brought into the world, and now, on his fifth day on earth, we are getting the fallout from Hurricane Irene. I do try hard not to project, but if there's an omen there, then I pray that the legacy I leave is one of earth-stewardship, and not a legacy of bad parenting. Which, actually, I think, is pretty likely, as both his parents are smart, funny, capable, and loving. Phew. Not sure how that happened, but I am very grateful. Kids are so incredibly resilient..........thank the Goddess.

This whole grandparent thing has got me thinking of my relationship with my own mother (of course), and how very awful it was. Too much negativity to go into here, of course, but the one thing I know to be true, is that I had no respect, and little actual child/love for my mother. Rather, our relationship was based on the fact that she was 3 years old, emotionally, psychically, and in every other pertinent way; so  our bond was one of caretaker, (me) and recipient, (her). Not very healthy, but as it turns out, not very unusual, either.

It took me a very long time to forgive her for what I viewed was, on her part, some type of terrible malfeasance as a parent. I spent a big part  of my young adulthood, trying to understand it, and then the rest of my adulthood, trying to rectify the ways in which it affected my developing personality. It's only been the past year (and all my struggles with PTSD stemming from a surgery I had last fall), that I felt like I was actually starting to grow up and away from all that early tumult.

Goodness, here I am, half a century old, and just now beginning to grow out of my own adolescence.

How very strange, but delightful, too, to feel major movement towards something, rather then, tearing away from something.

Part of that has been due to Rich, being supportive and caring, and for the most part, non-judgmental, about my personal struggles in letting go of relationships which don't allow me to grow in a healthy manner.

The other, bigger part, though, has been that he gave me a safe place (unconditionally), to reestablish my unique and indescribably individual, relationship, to Gaia. Or Mother Earth. Or the Goddess. Or the He/She. Whatever name you choose will surely work, I doubt she or he, minds. :)

Even though I never actually had a real mother, (at least not in the biological sense, i.e., one that comforted me in times of high stress, was there for me with a helping hand, etc. etc.), it has dawned on me in the past decade, that I did always have Gaia.

In some ways, it seems she was just waiting there for me to acknowledge her, and realize that a comforting bosom does not have to always be in the physical form, but can also be one of spiritual succor and therefore, perhaps, maybe even better, in some ways.

Of course, there are still times when I get angry, at the injustice of not ever having had, a "real" mother. One that would hold my hand when I was frightened, and reassure me that all would be well. One that would treasure me, beyond all things, and make me their only priority. One that would see me, truly, and be there for me in a way that would bring out all of the best aspects of my personality.

Yea. I pretty much think this is what we all want, deep down. But truly, now, with a half-century under my belt, I wonder how many of us actually get this? I would say that it is most likely the exception, rather then the rule. Doesn't make it easier to accept, but certainly makes it easier to understand, and forgive.

Because when I really step back and reflect, I realize that Gaia has done all this for me, and perhaps more.

Because with my strongly individual personality, I wonder that even if I had had a parent like this, if I wouldn't just have felt sort of stifled and smothered?

And, truly, when all is said and done, my mother, who had very little good parenting (and perhaps, much abuse) of her own, did try her best. I can't even imagine what it must have been like, to have so few skills as a socialized and functional human being, trying to raise six children in a manner where they all felt loved unconditionally. Impossible. And so, unrealistic to even have hoped for. Of course, as a child, you don't know this, you just want a mother, and as a child, you actually have a right to expect one.

But as an adult, now, with a fully established relationship with my true mother, it has dawned on me that it is time (perhaps past time) to put away childish things and get on with getting on. Hence the forgiveness part. So, it didn't happen for me in the way I expected. Big deal. Time to move on.

And the truth is: Gaia has done this for me, in oh so very many ways. She's taught me so very much about myself. About my wishes, hopes, dreams, expectations, and desires. She's taught me to be more positive. less negative; more forgiving, less judgmental; more adventurous, less frightened; more generous, less grasping; more hopeful, less sad.

And last, but not least, Gaia has always just, well, been there. Like a true parent.

Whenever I have been frightened, angry, scared, or lost and alone, I only ever had to stick my hands in the dirt, and get digging, and in just a short amount of time, feeling better. Or putting my walking boots on, and just putting one foot in front of the other, crying and stumbling my way up the mountainside.

Funny, I always felt embarrassed to be seen in public, crying, but never cared if anyone in the woods saw me doing so.

The mountain always just took my tears and transformed them, because the view from up top, is always so very different from that down below.

How could anyone ever reach the top of a mountain and not be completely awed by the view, and hence, able to stop crying long enough to take it all in and realize that everything that we think (as the most fallible of humans) is really, finally, and most simply, a matter of perspective?

Gaia has shown me this, time and time again, and oh, really, so much more.

More often then not, she has been the parent I wanted. The parent I needed. The parent I longed for, in my times of deepest distress, and did not even know what it was that I so achingly longed for.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I have allowed myself to realize that on some level, it may have been very good for me to have been born into that hellish chaos.

It did force me to look elsewhere for nourishment.

And even though I had to look pretty hard, and stumble around for many moons, I do, for the most part, feel I have landed on my feet.

Or rather, in the very bounteous and enriching, lap, of the most beautiful, loving, kind, patient, generous and understanding parent, in the universe. Mother Earth. It's taken some serious, long, hard work. That's true. But, if there's one legacy I could leave for my grandchild, I think it would be this one.

And so, with that in mind, I offer up this prayer..............That he have a longstanding and most loving relationship, with all things wild and free. That Gaia watches over him, even when he is not aware of it. That he always feels treasured, and beloved. That he always feels at home, in the dirt. That he always feels a deep kinship with the plant spirits. With the tree people. With the air and fire and rain folk. That he always knows, on some level, that he is not alone. That he knows what peace feels like. That when he falls, he always falls into the lap of his most loving mother, Gaia. Amen.

Good morning and blessings to all, as this incredibly cleansing rain washes away much of the bizarre energy that often surrounds us.

Signing out from RaraAvis at the House of Found Goods.